Rabbit, Run

Emerging defeated from Tuesday morning, I decided to stop at the library on my way home from work. I knew the book I was going to check out: the John Updike classic of "Rabbit, Run." I remembered reading it in my freshman year of college and I felt like I could really relate to it on this particular day.

The main character of the story, Rabbit, is the twenty-something bored with life, frustrated, and apathetic. I was comforted by our similarities, and quickly decided after 20 pages that Rabbit Angstrom and myself were living in parallel realities. I too was Rabbit.

And then Apologetics homework shook my love for Rabbit not 4 hours after I had checked out the book. Within a chapter on reasoning behind a love for God, the author includes a section on C.S. Lewis' argument of rabbits.

Lewis says:
"We are to be re-made. All the rabbit in us is to disappear - the worried, conscientious, ethical rabbit as well as the cowardly and sensual rabbit. We shall bleed and squeal as the handfuls of fur come out; and then, surprisingly, we shall find underneath it all a thing we have never yet imagined: a real Man, an ageless god, a son of God, strong radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy."

Rabbits are mutating into men, and I am not Rabbit Angstrom.

Building the Gilded Cage

It's illegal to catch a wild bird and keep it as a pet.

Lately I have had the desire to capture a wild bird and keep it as a pet. The plumage is so much prettier than any bird purchased in a pet store, their songs so much more beautiful.

But unfortunately for me, due to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, my dream of cohabitating with a wild bird will not come true anytime in the future.

I think I am going to instate a treaty act of my own, because this bird is no longer going to be caged. It's unnatural, horrific, and leading to dire consequences. This flightiness is uncontrollable. How does a person deal when their heart is not with their body? When their mind wanders mountains and forests?

I think that I must be obligated to attempt to live in a caged aspect of society, holding firm to structure and rules.

But then Christ says no.

And I don't have to be like everyone else. And I don't have to feel ostracized. And I don't have to feel caged.

Because he gives me hope. And he gives me freedom. And I will make it, with unclipped wings.

Praise the Lord. I can fly.

I Wish I could be in the Frame

Tonight I feel like I should be in a Diane Arbus photograph.
I feel contorted, intriguing, odd.
I could be the girl attached to him.
Or the woman behind the plastic.
What is captured is what is reality.
Or could be.

Marriage: Fact or Fiction

I have only been back in the States for less than a week, and already my mind is overcome by the looming presence of the media. Free from television for 6 weeks, my mind was allowed to wander to different schools of thought, allowing me to really focus on the glory of God and what life is.

The biggest issue that is challenging my thought process this week is the idea of the M-word. Yes, blasphemous sometimes, a blessing at most, it is the idea of marriage. Now, I want to write about this, not because I have marriage on the brain. I must add a disclaimer to this idea by saying I am in no rush to head to the altar. But through the presence of the media, it has been brought to my attention the failings of our modern ideas of commitment to one another.

On Wednesday night, I happened to catch an episode of Larry King Live while I was at the gym, which gave way to the perception of the disintegrated institution in our society. Essentially, there was a panel of 4 individuals debating whether faithfulness in marriage is necessary for a successful marriage. The majority of panelists said that one should expect for their spouse to seek sexual relations outside of marriage. I am confused as to why one would get married if they plan to sleep with other people anyways. Tax purposes? The nice tag of Mrs. in front of a better sounding last name than the maiden name? Ridiculous.

Being in Hungary, the divorce rate is outlandish. Relationships there are no better, but they are not advertised via broadcast. Its a worldwide epidemic though, this lack of commitment.

Another important turn this week on the marriage front is the overturn of Proposition 8, allowing gays to marry. I am still unsure how I feel about this. Proposition 8 rubs me the wrong way anyway, only because I do not believe that some should have a right given to them in order to have it taken away. There must be better legislation if there will be certain acts implemented so that they will remain instead of taken away.

So how am I supposed to feel about marriage? According to society, what's the point? Two committed people should just live together, and marriage is not really necessary.

But deep in my heart I know that's not true. And I do believe in marriage still. I believe in the partnership, in being with your best friend despite hardship and trials. But now, after all this, I see marriage to be one of the greatest witnesses that a Christian can model. Not a fake happy union, but one that is real, and honest, and open to others. If society sees the effects of a working committed Christian relationship, how many people will turn to Christ knowing that He loves us as a bridegroom, who is completely committed to us despite all of our faults and failures.

Alright, and just because I love this song this week. A cover of Nina Simone's "Be My Husband" by My Brightest Diamond.

Sing, Bing

Whenever anyone sits down to watch a movie, a quest is made for a kernel of relativity. What point of the film can be applied to life? What is the one point I can relate to?

I love when these points focus back to God and how I can apply it to my life. Especially when they are things that I learn, forget, and then learn again.

Tonight I sat down to watch the movie The Bell's of St. Mary's, which stars Ingrid Bergman, Spencer Tracy, and the affectionate actor we all know as Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. Tracy enters the movie as a priest taking over the Catholic school, run by Sister Superior (Bergman). The school is old and dilapidated; in need of many repairs for fear that it will be closed down. Bergman is convinced that the school will not be closed, and when Tracy questions her as to why she is so staunch in her belief, she gives him an answer he is not expecting. Her and the other sisters have been praying for the owner of the new building in process of being built to be given over the nuns. She says he will wake up one morning and decide to give them the building. In the end, he does, and her prayer is answered.

But Bergman's character faces opposition from Tracy. His disbelief in her prayers is enough for anyone in the audience to side with him. Those kinds of requests just aren't answered in everday life, or at least that's what I lead myself to believe. I can't even remember the last time I truly prayed for something big.

I want to pray for big things. I can be sure that God hears my prayer requests, but I find difficulty in believing the things I pray for are worth while. How do I even know they are in accordance with God's will?

I need to stop thinkng about it and just do it.

Here's the assurance I can grip:

1 John 5:14-15
¹⁴This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

Alright. So now I just need to ponder what I should really devote my time into praying for. I know God will reveal it to me soon.

Oh. I also recommend the movie. It was a very entertaining watch.

Here's the trailer.
Ding Dong, The Bell's of St. Mary's

15 things that make my heart pulse...

God is being so gracious to me this summer. I am so appreciative of the interests He's given me to pursue this summer, although they are things I may never truly be good at doing.

So my time has been spent doing things I enjoy, and there are so many things that I love. Christ talks about coming to have life and have it to the full. What are the things that constitute a full life? Is it all big things or is it a composition of the small things?

I was reminded of this surprisingly through the Woody Allen movie Manhattan.

Within the film, the main character Isaac ("Ike") goes through a devastating break up with a woman and in probing psychoanalyst methods evaluates his life by asking:

"Why is life worth living? It's a very good question."

His response to his posed question includes artwork, film stars, and finally with the face of the woman he loves.

The audience naturally is led to question of themselves the same concept.

So here's my take on what makes life worthwhile:


1. The presence of the Gospel, and sharing it with others

Without this, I don't think I could live. Where would I channel all the energy that goes into worshiping my Creator? And I would definitely not be at my particular school learning how to transfer the gospel to other cultures. (The photo is of the cross at the Bethel Bible School in Mali, Africa).


2. Family (Particularly my brother)
Whew boy. I love this boy.




3. Comrades
I don't like doing crazy things by myself.



4. A Particular Someone
He's great. Smooth and soulful like a Nat King Cole record.


Alright. Those are the givens. Everyone has those. But these really get me:




5. History
I can't get enough. Give me useless knowledge. I love seeing the patterns of history. The motives, the passion; it's all so invigorating.



6. Literature
Or anything to read I guess. I'll take the box of Cheerios if need be. I guess another thing that could fall under this category is the library. Carver County never does me wrong.


7. Ridiculous Questions
Somebody's gotta ask. How many stars are there in the sky? How many times does a heartbeat in a minute? I need to know.



8. Far Side Mugs
I don't even know how many are out there, but I must have them all.


9. Pretending to be musical
Yeah. I did the piano lessons for 6 years, and dabbled in guitar in high school. But any musical ability, like the American dream, is gone.




10. Classic romances, as portrayed on the big screen in black and white, and sometimes technicolor
I secretly do want to be Scarlett O'Hara, and really all I need is, as Rhett Butler puts it, "a good kissin'."



11. Nerds and Custard
For the more refined palate.



12. Apes
Of all shapes and sizes. Great actors: tragic endings.



13. Body Pillows
You can't blame a girl for wanting to snuggle.


14. Coppolla's
Francis Ford and Sofia. My film repertoire would not be the same without them.



15. Ugly sweaters
I probably would not have discovered this little love if I hadn't moved to Minnesota.


That's only the tip of the ice cream sundae. I could go on and on (photos, hummus, art museums, craftiness), but a person has to keep some mystery.

To end this post, some wise words from the transcendentalist thinker, Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."

Spoken to by St. Augustine

I happened upon an abridged copy of St. Augustine's Confessions in a thrift store about a week ago. From the random quotes I would happen to read via Facebook statuses as well as excerpts in modern Christian literature, I decided that owning a copy would not be a bad decision. I started reading it this week with some expectations, but I did not expect to feel as though I were looking into a pool of water in reading his autobiography. I see a different, but very similar image of myself as I read about Augustine's transformation.

I just want to include some quotes that really hit my core (and I am sure there will be many more, as I am only up to book 8 of 13).

"Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it?"

"But no one doth well against his will, even though what he doth, be well."

"I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the punishmenet of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee, and Thou ettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy!"

"I loved not yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a deep-seated want, I hated myself for wanting not. I sought what I mightlove, in love with loving, and safety I hated, and a way without snare."

"To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved."

"Why is it, that man desires to be made sad, beholding doleful and tragical things, which yet himself would by no means suffer? yet he dires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them, and this very sorrow is his pleasure."

"How did I burn then, my God, how did I burn to remount from earthly things to Thee, nor knew I what Thou wouldest do with me?"

"My native country was a tormetnt to me, and my father's house a strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him everywhere, but he was not granted them; and I hated all places, that they had not him; nor could they now tell me, "he is coming" as when he was alive and absent."

"Only tears were sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend in the dearest of my affections."

"Let us now, O Lord, return, that we may not be overturned, because with Thee our good lives without any decay, which good art Thou; nor need we fear, lest there be no place whithre to return because we fell from it: for through our absence, our mansion fell not- Thy eternity."

"But Thou, O my God, hads alraeady taught me by wonderful and secret ways, and therefore I believe that Thou taughtes tme, because it is truth, nor is there besides Thee any teacher of truth, where or whencesoever it may shine upon us."

"For fairer is the modesty of a candid mind, than the knowledge of thsoe things which I desired; and such I found him in all the more difficult and subtle questions."

From that compilation of quotes, it isn't too difficult to gather what I am feeling through reading. I am being reminded of my sinfulness, and of how I have strayed from God even despite being in Christian community. I have become so absorbed within myself that I have chosen not to glorify the Almighty. I feel so burdened for the world, especially being in Montana for a few weeks before going to Hungary.

Everywhere I look it seems that their are hurting people. The corners of the library are occupied by homeless individuals, reading copies of Curious George and other children's narratives. Elderly occupy the tables with their large print "Reader's Digest". Pictures of loneliness plastered on their faces. Today as I was looking for a book, a sweet little girl came up to me to tell me all about her books. She had so much excitement and joy about these two books she had found, and I could only nod and smile in agreement. She continued in her excitement to her mother two rows over, and the mother, in desperation and on the verge of tears told her to be quiet because daddy was trying to find something. It sounded of great importance and urgency. This little girl's joy was squashed by the tremors of societal strain on her parents. My heart broke.

I can't escape these things. When telling someone about the situation and the hopelessness of it all, they responded with "What can you do but pray, eh?" I was immediately unsatisfied with this response, but then I kept thinking about it. Overall I have a very difficult time with prayer, because I feel like it doesn't make much difference, but what if I truly committed to prayer for this cause, for all of these hopeless people in this dead end town? I think for the time that I am in Billings, because I do not have much else to do, I am going to try and commit to going to the library to pray everyday.

My prayer is going to make a difference. A lasting one. Instead of just plastering a band-aid a sinking ship, I'm going to make a kingdom impact. The blood of Christ will soak individuals in this town, and they will know peace, and they will know hope, and they will know HIM. I am praying that in addition to this, God will give me ideas on how I could serve people if only for the few weeks I'm here. I just want to love on people. Please, Lord God.

Where do I go now?

I'm at a loss. The summer is here. Freedom. Elation. A chance to thrive.

But if I don't start well...well, I won't go anywhere.

I wish I could input some Biblical passage into this post to be inspiring. I wish I could show you that I have been to the depths of the Word, and that I have consumed every line, every page.

But I haven't.

God has revealed himself to me through the people in my life... but I want to be consumed, burning with desire to always be in scripture. Seeking solitude to practice prayer.

I think in order to do so I will have to return to methods of traditional Christianity. Some forms of routine. Some forms of ritual. I have molded into modernist views of Christianity, which isn't necessarily bad. But I need Him. And the ways I've been trying to reach Him are futile.

Transform me this summer, Lord God. I must have it.

Wick is Life

"It's as wick as you or me," Dickon said; and Mary remembered that Martha had told her that "wick" meant "alive" or "lively."

"I'm glad it's wick!" she cried out in her whisper. "I want them all to be wick. Let us go round the garden and count how many wick ones there are." She quite panted with eagerness, and Dickon was as eager as she was. They went from tree to tree and from bush to bush. Dickon carried his knife in his hand and showed her things which she thought wonderful.

"They've run wild," he said, "but th' strongest ones has fair thrived on it. The delicatest ones has died out, but th' others has growed an' growed, an' spread an' spread, till they's a wonder. See here!" and he pulled down a thick gray, dry-looking branch. "A body might think this was dead wood, but I don't believe it is--down to th' root." {The Secret Garden}

With spring exploding in Minnesota, I can't expel one of my favorite literary passages from my mind, because what I face on each walk outside is the newness of life. Life proves to be everywhere.

But I am constantly being reminded that there is no life outside of Christ. Christ is wick. His spirit is life. Have I truly allowed it to fill me?

Life is an entity not self contained. It spreads, produces, procreates, struggles, survives. Ultimately, the love of God can be equated synonymously with life. Without love, there is no existence of life.

The state of my heart lately has resembled the secret garden. Closed. Feigning death. I haven't allowed people in, nor have I taken the effort to prune my branches or cultivate my life so that it produces life. Who should break into my heart to find its love for mankind and God except for Christ? Through Him, my heart is a garden cared for by a gardener, who wishes that more flowers should grow in a planned method. Even the wildflower seeds are scattered in a particular matter.

Although my love has been self contained, this summer it will bloom and grow. I am ready to be challenged and strengthened through ministry. My prayer is that at the end of summer, my heart will fully reveal the life it contains through Christ.

A passage that perfectly reflects the promises of God that are coming for all believers is evident in Jeremiah 31:11-13, which reads:

¹¹ For the LORD will ransom Jacob
and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they.

¹² They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion;
they will rejoice in the bounty of the LORD—
the grain, the new wine and the oil,
the young of the flocks and herds.
They will be like a well-watered garden,
and they will sorrow no more.

¹³ Then maidens will dance and be glad,
young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

A "well watered garden." It is coming, dry heart.

Talents for the Talentless

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.:: Emma Lazarus

If there is one sermon illustration that has constantly been worn down to a shoe sole, it would have to be the parable of the talents in Matthew chapter 25. My heart gets hardened even thinking about the story because I have heard it so many times before. And the moral always seems to be: use whatever God has given you to glorify Him, because he has made you talented in some areas of your life.

But what if he hasn't?

This idea of talent is such a Western mindset, and the parable has been misconstrued to be something where we can take our abilities and mold them into what we think God would like to use. But...how many people in the world face the reality of routine where they are unable to use their talents? A large majority of the world relies strictly on agriculture and much of their time is focused on doing menial tasks throughout the day. It does not involve any special talent. Why do I think that my talents are anything extraordinary?

God doesn't ask for us to perform, He asks for us to be obedient. And that might mean doing things in life that aren't our "giftings." The point of the parable is obedience, not attempting to blend word definitions to place the focus of our lives once more on us.

""His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" {Matt 25: 21}

You have been faithful...not talented.

The text speaks for itself, but as I really look at it, I realize that many pastors I have heard have attempted to stretch this to mean personal giftings and talents to be developed.

Lies. When will we understand that the point of our existence is to glorify God? Oh wait...but that would mean we would have to stop glorifying ourselves.

I relinquish any of my talents. Let me be like the poem I posted at the beginning of this entry. Let me be faithful to the point where I reach heaven and Christ says "Come to me. You have been faithful, which has taken everything that you could ever have had for yourself, but you have happily offered to me. Your bondage to yourself is broken, you can experience freedom due to your faithfulness. Not because you were particularly good at anything, but because you were obedient."

The Devils Thumb, Or, My Life Right Now

"I tried left, then right, but kept striking rock. The frost feathers holding me up, it became apparent, were maybe five inches thick and had the structural integrity of stale corn bread. Below was thirty-seven hundred feet of air, and I was balanced on a house of cards. The sour taste of panic rose in my throat. My eyesight blurred, I began to hyperventilate, my calves started to shake. I shuffled a few feet farther to the right, hoping to find thicker ice, but managed only to bend an ice ax on the rock.

Awkwardly, stiff with fear, I started working my way back down. The rime gradually thickened. After descending about eighty feet, I got back on reasonably solid ground. I stopped for a long time to let my nerves settle, then leaned back from tools and stared up at the face above, searching for a hint of solid ice, for some variation in the underlying rock strata, for anything that would allow passage over the frosted slabs. I looked until my neck ached, but nothing appeared. The climb as over. The only place to go was down." {John Krakauer, author of Into the Wild, describing his climb on the treacherous mountain of Devil's Thumb.}



Anyone who follows Christ knows the Christian life is a climb, and a difficult one no less. We may climb the same jagged rock several times before we finally overcome it, and even then, we might face a similar expanse only later in our climb. Sometimes we have people climbing with us, often we climb alone (with Christ as our navigator). To even write a comparison about life compared to a mountainous climb proves to be overly cliche, but the analogy works in describing the past year of my life at Crown.

This year has been filled with difficult circumstance: jagged rocks, loose footing, and faulty equipment. But it has also been filled with accomplishment, and actually crossing the divides and gaps.

John Krakauer really gets the metaphor of climbing compared to difficulties in life. The book Into the Wild, although about Chris McCandless' journey to Alaska, reveals a side of the author that is vulnerable and weak. Through expressing weakness, he is then made strong: able to overcome his mountains.

I have not overcome the mountain, but God has helped me to reach the top of this peak! I am so ready to take the next stretch, and I don't think that it is because I see it as easy. It is a challenging stretch, but by reaching the peak I see God's glory above the clouds where I am standing, and their white appearance brushes over my arms as I reach to the sky.

I have faith that can move mountains, but do I have faith that will get me to the top of this one?

My mountain is nothing to the LORD.

"The mountains melt like wax before the LORD/before the Lord of all the earth." {Psalm 97: 5}

Set a flame to my mountain and let the wax pool into the sea. That shall be my prayer. As I climb, the rocks will slip from under my feet, and I will forget they ever existed.

Inpsire Me

These days it feels like I need so much to be ignited. Where my passion once fueled my actions, routine has settled in. And its hard to garner passion once its lost. I don't have the time or the energy to reclaim what has been scattered across various social circles, priorities, and responsibilities. Life just feels too...normal.

But at the same time, God does not equal normalcy. I know life feels pretty routine and normal right now, but that's going to be shaken up this summer. God will break this heart, and I am praying He will. In fact I think he's already started. There were things that happened this weekend that allowed me to be stirred, basically in the form of two films.

The first film watched was "Heima" by Sigur Ros. I have only been truly listening to them for several months now, and I really gain a lot of peace and beauty from their music. The film was just the same. Ugly sides of life like to smash into me until I am battered and bruised. I equate fallenness with ugliness and think about the sinfulness of the world that sometimes I wonder what good is actually in it? This film really moved me. The combination of natural images and images of people combined with Sigur Ros' music makes me truly believe that life is beautiful. Sometimes I forget.

Heima Trailer


The second film I watched is entitled "The Agony and the Ecstasy," which stars Charlton Heston and Rex Harrison playing Michelangelo and the Pope. The narrative revolves around the painting of the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo. Michelangelo, comfortable in the title of sculptor, does not feel capable and is barely willing to complete a painting on the ceiling of the Pope's church. He begins his task of painting frescoes, and comes to the realization that he does not want the public to experience art that does not inspire them to be closer to God. After a revelation, he paints God reaching out to man and completes the chapel.

The Agony & the Ecstasy

I analyzed this picture as it was on the screen, and I finally realized it. God is working so hard to reach man, while man simply lays on his side, barely lifting his arm. It made me think of God's passionate love for us. How often am I lazy within my relationship to him that I forget his awesome love for me?

This film is also inspiring in making one wonder how they will bring glory to God. For Michelangelo it was painting, but what is it for me? Perhaps I won't know, and that is okay.

The passage that I think of in regards to this is 1 Peter 4:10, which says, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithuflly administering God's grace in its various forms."

I suppose my only option right now is to arise to whatever I am facing with a Christlike attitude and a child-like faith. And its okay if I don't know.

Lavender Flag

Sunday before church, the verdict in my heart was that I was not going.

I didn't have time.
I didn't care to hear preaching.
I wanted a break.

So I went.

And I really wasn't that moved by much. My heart was hardened. I explicitly stated to God that I was not in the mood. Yet his presence met me, through a little boy.

Worship was similar to previous Sundays. Nothing new. The choir sang, accompanied by instrumentals. But, for the first Sunday in all of the Sundays I have been to Sanctuary (which now has totaled to approximately 20), a little boy with downs syndrome was waving his small lavender flag to the music. His movements matched perfectly to the music. He swayed and danced, smiling and laughing.

And it made me think of how I do not offer myself fully up to God because of my unrighteousness. I am not perfect, so why would God want me. But I need to wave my flag. I need to offer my unholy self to Him. I need not be perfect. I need only to be.

Oh, it also helped my heart that the choir sang one of the most relevant songs to my life.
The Lord Is Blessing Me: Right Now, Right Now

Past and Future

It's difficult going to a Christian school when your livelihood is sharing the gospel. What use are we here when so many die each day not knowing Christ? It's frustrating to not be challenged daily in a secular world when living in a Christian bubble.

But I know the reason I'm here: that I can be more affective when I leave Crown than when I entered. That I can reach people on different cultural contexts. That I can truly love others from a love that is not my own.

I was reading different poems today and I came across one by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

It is titled Past and Future.

MY future will not copy fair my past
On any leaf but Heaven's. Be fully done,
Supernal Will ! I would not fain be one
Who, satisfying thirst and breaking fast
Upon the fulness of the heart, at last
Saith no grace after meat. My wine hath run
Indeed out of my cup, and there is none
To gather up the bread of my repast
Scattered and trampled ! Yet I find some good
In earth's green herbs, and streams that bubble up
Clear from the darkling ground, -- content until
I sit with angels before better food.
Dear Christ ! when thy new vintage fills my cup,
This hand shall shake no more, nor that wine spill.

Patience is all that is required of me now. Patience that I may stay the task of getting a degree. Patience that I will allow myself to be challenged and keep the course. Patience that I may love those who are difficult to love. Patience to stay.

He's Beat Me to It

Going to school with a missions focus, I am constantly thinking about how I, as one person, can bring the gospel to dark places. You know the type. Indigenous tribes in the dense jungles, hippies living in fringe communes, cold communist countries. I am going to champion these places! I will take Jesus to places where He has never been!

Who am I kidding?

He's already there. Thriving and working.

The Gospel of John explicitly gives proof that God is at work.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."- John 16:33

God has overcome every aspect of the world, and although it seems so elementary, we target people and think that we are this person's only mode of the gospel. It all depends upon us. And that is true in a sense, but we take away the power of the Holy Spirit when we make it a civic duty to share the gospel.

Last night I was online looking at different methods of evangelism to my generation that is open and honest. I thought that I was the only one with a vision for reaching this certain group of people, but I'm too late. God has already started. Not that He doesn't need more workers, but, as per usual, He's got it under control.

Thanks for taking the pressure off, Lord. I'm just going to be open and pray that you will weave me into how you are already working.

Life is Inconvenient

con·ven·ience /kənˈvinyəns/ Show Spelled[kuhn-veen-yuhns] -adjective : easy to obtain, use, or reach.

This week was frustrating. As with many weeks, the escape of time leaves me frantic. Trying to accomplish homework, spend time with people, and finish whatever other odds and ends might remain. In the busy-ness, I always run through events with the same mindset: "Me, Me, Me." Nothing else really matters right? Even in my Christian life it is important to see what I can get out of scripture. How I can advance God's kingdom? What does God want me to do with my life?

Colossians 3:1-4 is explicit. " ¹Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. "

My life is not my own, but do I truly choose to live and express my life in that fashion? I'm wrapped up in my own selfishness. When things come up and plans change, I mood about them instead of trusting God that things happen for specific reasons. I want my schedule to be scaled down to the minute, but in doing so, I really don't allow margins for spontaneity of the Spirit. I need to rejoice in every aspect, ESPECIALLY when life is inconvenient.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 says:
¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

God has ordained every part of my life. His hand rests upon my existence. So in every hardship, in every ease, in every joy, and in every sorrow

I WILL REJOICE

Today I will rest under the banner of God's love for me. I will focus on Him and no longer on myself. And life, will no longer be so inconvenient.