Rabbit, Run

Emerging defeated from Tuesday morning, I decided to stop at the library on my way home from work. I knew the book I was going to check out: the John Updike classic of "Rabbit, Run." I remembered reading it in my freshman year of college and I felt like I could really relate to it on this particular day.

The main character of the story, Rabbit, is the twenty-something bored with life, frustrated, and apathetic. I was comforted by our similarities, and quickly decided after 20 pages that Rabbit Angstrom and myself were living in parallel realities. I too was Rabbit.

And then Apologetics homework shook my love for Rabbit not 4 hours after I had checked out the book. Within a chapter on reasoning behind a love for God, the author includes a section on C.S. Lewis' argument of rabbits.

Lewis says:
"We are to be re-made. All the rabbit in us is to disappear - the worried, conscientious, ethical rabbit as well as the cowardly and sensual rabbit. We shall bleed and squeal as the handfuls of fur come out; and then, surprisingly, we shall find underneath it all a thing we have never yet imagined: a real Man, an ageless god, a son of God, strong radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy."

Rabbits are mutating into men, and I am not Rabbit Angstrom.

Building the Gilded Cage

It's illegal to catch a wild bird and keep it as a pet.

Lately I have had the desire to capture a wild bird and keep it as a pet. The plumage is so much prettier than any bird purchased in a pet store, their songs so much more beautiful.

But unfortunately for me, due to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, my dream of cohabitating with a wild bird will not come true anytime in the future.

I think I am going to instate a treaty act of my own, because this bird is no longer going to be caged. It's unnatural, horrific, and leading to dire consequences. This flightiness is uncontrollable. How does a person deal when their heart is not with their body? When their mind wanders mountains and forests?

I think that I must be obligated to attempt to live in a caged aspect of society, holding firm to structure and rules.

But then Christ says no.

And I don't have to be like everyone else. And I don't have to feel ostracized. And I don't have to feel caged.

Because he gives me hope. And he gives me freedom. And I will make it, with unclipped wings.

Praise the Lord. I can fly.

I Wish I could be in the Frame

Tonight I feel like I should be in a Diane Arbus photograph.
I feel contorted, intriguing, odd.
I could be the girl attached to him.
Or the woman behind the plastic.
What is captured is what is reality.
Or could be.

Marriage: Fact or Fiction

I have only been back in the States for less than a week, and already my mind is overcome by the looming presence of the media. Free from television for 6 weeks, my mind was allowed to wander to different schools of thought, allowing me to really focus on the glory of God and what life is.

The biggest issue that is challenging my thought process this week is the idea of the M-word. Yes, blasphemous sometimes, a blessing at most, it is the idea of marriage. Now, I want to write about this, not because I have marriage on the brain. I must add a disclaimer to this idea by saying I am in no rush to head to the altar. But through the presence of the media, it has been brought to my attention the failings of our modern ideas of commitment to one another.

On Wednesday night, I happened to catch an episode of Larry King Live while I was at the gym, which gave way to the perception of the disintegrated institution in our society. Essentially, there was a panel of 4 individuals debating whether faithfulness in marriage is necessary for a successful marriage. The majority of panelists said that one should expect for their spouse to seek sexual relations outside of marriage. I am confused as to why one would get married if they plan to sleep with other people anyways. Tax purposes? The nice tag of Mrs. in front of a better sounding last name than the maiden name? Ridiculous.

Being in Hungary, the divorce rate is outlandish. Relationships there are no better, but they are not advertised via broadcast. Its a worldwide epidemic though, this lack of commitment.

Another important turn this week on the marriage front is the overturn of Proposition 8, allowing gays to marry. I am still unsure how I feel about this. Proposition 8 rubs me the wrong way anyway, only because I do not believe that some should have a right given to them in order to have it taken away. There must be better legislation if there will be certain acts implemented so that they will remain instead of taken away.

So how am I supposed to feel about marriage? According to society, what's the point? Two committed people should just live together, and marriage is not really necessary.

But deep in my heart I know that's not true. And I do believe in marriage still. I believe in the partnership, in being with your best friend despite hardship and trials. But now, after all this, I see marriage to be one of the greatest witnesses that a Christian can model. Not a fake happy union, but one that is real, and honest, and open to others. If society sees the effects of a working committed Christian relationship, how many people will turn to Christ knowing that He loves us as a bridegroom, who is completely committed to us despite all of our faults and failures.

Alright, and just because I love this song this week. A cover of Nina Simone's "Be My Husband" by My Brightest Diamond.

Sing, Bing

Whenever anyone sits down to watch a movie, a quest is made for a kernel of relativity. What point of the film can be applied to life? What is the one point I can relate to?

I love when these points focus back to God and how I can apply it to my life. Especially when they are things that I learn, forget, and then learn again.

Tonight I sat down to watch the movie The Bell's of St. Mary's, which stars Ingrid Bergman, Spencer Tracy, and the affectionate actor we all know as Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. Tracy enters the movie as a priest taking over the Catholic school, run by Sister Superior (Bergman). The school is old and dilapidated; in need of many repairs for fear that it will be closed down. Bergman is convinced that the school will not be closed, and when Tracy questions her as to why she is so staunch in her belief, she gives him an answer he is not expecting. Her and the other sisters have been praying for the owner of the new building in process of being built to be given over the nuns. She says he will wake up one morning and decide to give them the building. In the end, he does, and her prayer is answered.

But Bergman's character faces opposition from Tracy. His disbelief in her prayers is enough for anyone in the audience to side with him. Those kinds of requests just aren't answered in everday life, or at least that's what I lead myself to believe. I can't even remember the last time I truly prayed for something big.

I want to pray for big things. I can be sure that God hears my prayer requests, but I find difficulty in believing the things I pray for are worth while. How do I even know they are in accordance with God's will?

I need to stop thinkng about it and just do it.

Here's the assurance I can grip:

1 John 5:14-15
¹⁴This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

Alright. So now I just need to ponder what I should really devote my time into praying for. I know God will reveal it to me soon.

Oh. I also recommend the movie. It was a very entertaining watch.

Here's the trailer.
Ding Dong, The Bell's of St. Mary's

15 things that make my heart pulse...

God is being so gracious to me this summer. I am so appreciative of the interests He's given me to pursue this summer, although they are things I may never truly be good at doing.

So my time has been spent doing things I enjoy, and there are so many things that I love. Christ talks about coming to have life and have it to the full. What are the things that constitute a full life? Is it all big things or is it a composition of the small things?

I was reminded of this surprisingly through the Woody Allen movie Manhattan.

Within the film, the main character Isaac ("Ike") goes through a devastating break up with a woman and in probing psychoanalyst methods evaluates his life by asking:

"Why is life worth living? It's a very good question."

His response to his posed question includes artwork, film stars, and finally with the face of the woman he loves.

The audience naturally is led to question of themselves the same concept.

So here's my take on what makes life worthwhile:


1. The presence of the Gospel, and sharing it with others

Without this, I don't think I could live. Where would I channel all the energy that goes into worshiping my Creator? And I would definitely not be at my particular school learning how to transfer the gospel to other cultures. (The photo is of the cross at the Bethel Bible School in Mali, Africa).


2. Family (Particularly my brother)
Whew boy. I love this boy.




3. Comrades
I don't like doing crazy things by myself.



4. A Particular Someone
He's great. Smooth and soulful like a Nat King Cole record.


Alright. Those are the givens. Everyone has those. But these really get me:




5. History
I can't get enough. Give me useless knowledge. I love seeing the patterns of history. The motives, the passion; it's all so invigorating.



6. Literature
Or anything to read I guess. I'll take the box of Cheerios if need be. I guess another thing that could fall under this category is the library. Carver County never does me wrong.


7. Ridiculous Questions
Somebody's gotta ask. How many stars are there in the sky? How many times does a heartbeat in a minute? I need to know.



8. Far Side Mugs
I don't even know how many are out there, but I must have them all.


9. Pretending to be musical
Yeah. I did the piano lessons for 6 years, and dabbled in guitar in high school. But any musical ability, like the American dream, is gone.




10. Classic romances, as portrayed on the big screen in black and white, and sometimes technicolor
I secretly do want to be Scarlett O'Hara, and really all I need is, as Rhett Butler puts it, "a good kissin'."



11. Nerds and Custard
For the more refined palate.



12. Apes
Of all shapes and sizes. Great actors: tragic endings.



13. Body Pillows
You can't blame a girl for wanting to snuggle.


14. Coppolla's
Francis Ford and Sofia. My film repertoire would not be the same without them.



15. Ugly sweaters
I probably would not have discovered this little love if I hadn't moved to Minnesota.


That's only the tip of the ice cream sundae. I could go on and on (photos, hummus, art museums, craftiness), but a person has to keep some mystery.

To end this post, some wise words from the transcendentalist thinker, Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."

Spoken to by St. Augustine

I happened upon an abridged copy of St. Augustine's Confessions in a thrift store about a week ago. From the random quotes I would happen to read via Facebook statuses as well as excerpts in modern Christian literature, I decided that owning a copy would not be a bad decision. I started reading it this week with some expectations, but I did not expect to feel as though I were looking into a pool of water in reading his autobiography. I see a different, but very similar image of myself as I read about Augustine's transformation.

I just want to include some quotes that really hit my core (and I am sure there will be many more, as I am only up to book 8 of 13).

"Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it?"

"But no one doth well against his will, even though what he doth, be well."

"I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the punishmenet of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee, and Thou ettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy!"

"I loved not yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a deep-seated want, I hated myself for wanting not. I sought what I mightlove, in love with loving, and safety I hated, and a way without snare."

"To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved."

"Why is it, that man desires to be made sad, beholding doleful and tragical things, which yet himself would by no means suffer? yet he dires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them, and this very sorrow is his pleasure."

"How did I burn then, my God, how did I burn to remount from earthly things to Thee, nor knew I what Thou wouldest do with me?"

"My native country was a tormetnt to me, and my father's house a strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him everywhere, but he was not granted them; and I hated all places, that they had not him; nor could they now tell me, "he is coming" as when he was alive and absent."

"Only tears were sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend in the dearest of my affections."

"Let us now, O Lord, return, that we may not be overturned, because with Thee our good lives without any decay, which good art Thou; nor need we fear, lest there be no place whithre to return because we fell from it: for through our absence, our mansion fell not- Thy eternity."

"But Thou, O my God, hads alraeady taught me by wonderful and secret ways, and therefore I believe that Thou taughtes tme, because it is truth, nor is there besides Thee any teacher of truth, where or whencesoever it may shine upon us."

"For fairer is the modesty of a candid mind, than the knowledge of thsoe things which I desired; and such I found him in all the more difficult and subtle questions."

From that compilation of quotes, it isn't too difficult to gather what I am feeling through reading. I am being reminded of my sinfulness, and of how I have strayed from God even despite being in Christian community. I have become so absorbed within myself that I have chosen not to glorify the Almighty. I feel so burdened for the world, especially being in Montana for a few weeks before going to Hungary.

Everywhere I look it seems that their are hurting people. The corners of the library are occupied by homeless individuals, reading copies of Curious George and other children's narratives. Elderly occupy the tables with their large print "Reader's Digest". Pictures of loneliness plastered on their faces. Today as I was looking for a book, a sweet little girl came up to me to tell me all about her books. She had so much excitement and joy about these two books she had found, and I could only nod and smile in agreement. She continued in her excitement to her mother two rows over, and the mother, in desperation and on the verge of tears told her to be quiet because daddy was trying to find something. It sounded of great importance and urgency. This little girl's joy was squashed by the tremors of societal strain on her parents. My heart broke.

I can't escape these things. When telling someone about the situation and the hopelessness of it all, they responded with "What can you do but pray, eh?" I was immediately unsatisfied with this response, but then I kept thinking about it. Overall I have a very difficult time with prayer, because I feel like it doesn't make much difference, but what if I truly committed to prayer for this cause, for all of these hopeless people in this dead end town? I think for the time that I am in Billings, because I do not have much else to do, I am going to try and commit to going to the library to pray everyday.

My prayer is going to make a difference. A lasting one. Instead of just plastering a band-aid a sinking ship, I'm going to make a kingdom impact. The blood of Christ will soak individuals in this town, and they will know peace, and they will know hope, and they will know HIM. I am praying that in addition to this, God will give me ideas on how I could serve people if only for the few weeks I'm here. I just want to love on people. Please, Lord God.